Thursday, April 06, 2006

In the Middle of It....

I turned 41 last week. That seems definitely middle-aged to me -- no longer able to chalk things up to youthful mistakes, I am an adult. Of course, by placing yourself firmly in the middle, you pretty much bow to the idea that there is an end. It's not too much fun to think about, but definitely enters my mind more these days. After my dad died in September -- the notion of being a child was gone, no matter that I had been a parent myself for 14 years.

So, at this mid-point you can either just sit back with some sort of confidence that things will roll on and on for a while, or you can get charged up for a fight against the inevitable. Neither of those positions are really my view. I'm kind of doing both, embracing the end and feebly fighting against it. I work out at least a few times a week --- breaking a sweat on occasion -- and I 'try' to eat better. I also started smoking again, if you remember quitting was my hot topic a couple of months ago. So, despite my advancing age, I still do the half-assed things I should have grown out of .

My brother's death, almost 2 years ago, changed my idea of life and fairness. Here the best, healthiest person I knew, the guy who was doing all the 'right things' in health and faith, got Leukemia and it took him. His death was fundamentally unfair, which I believe had a great deal to do with my father's death this year. While I miss Dad on a regular basis, I cry when I think about Mike. It was unfair that both these men didn't get the ending that they had hoped for, one came too quickly, the other's came after tasting such deep sadness. We really don't get to choose.

As a middle ager, I need to realize that I have no idea what will become of me. I don't know the length of my life. Who does? All I can do is live it and make some little goals for myself along the way. When you look at the obit of some people, you are blessed with a good story, one with a couple of beginnings, along with several endings. It would be best to take care of myself where I can health-wise, but not to get to tied up in that because it may not matter. If I only have a year or two -- then I hope I enjoy a bunch of chocolate cake between now and then.

I know this is not the happiest post, but it is something I've been thinking of. Here is a little pick-me-up article on a man who is alive and kicking at 110. He's a cupcake eater and smoked until he was 60, God Bless him!


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